Saturday, May 28, 2016

I'm Not a Man or a Woman

I'm gonna cut to the chase: I'm not a man or a woman - I'm agender.  Here's my story:

I always felt anxiety whenever someone called me a girl or used she/her pronouns to describe me.  It just didn't feel right.  But at the same time, I didn't want to be called a boy or have people use he/him/his pronouns to describe me either.  I didn't know there were people who used they/them/their pronouns, so I just stuck with she/her for all these years.

I played with both Legos and Barbies as a kid, but I was especially drawn to the Barbies because of their long hair and cool fashions.  There was this one time my mom bought a football, but it was for my cousin, who's a guy.  I was pretty upset about it.  I wanted to play with the football too.

Clothes weren't really a big deal for me until forth grade, except for the fact that I NEVER liked to wear dresses or skirts.  My mom and my aunt would always say things like, "Oh, you look so cute!", but I was always like, "No, no, NO!".  Dresses were just never really comfortable for me - and I don't owe anyone an explanation for that.

About fourth grade, like I said, I didn't feel pressure to be "trendy" until around that time.  This girl said that my clothes were babyish, and that people were going to laugh at me.  At the time, I was wearing patterned shirts, such as those with checker prints and stripes, leggings and sweaters with cat screenprints.   I was already feeling like a freak, and I didn't want people to laugh at me, so shortly after the girl said that, I asked my mom to take me to JCPenney to buy me some "cooler" clothes.

When I got to high school, I wanted to wear name brand clothes like Aeropostale and Hollister, but I was such a large person, I couldn't fit into those clothes.  I was crushed.

I tried so hard to fit in and be a "typical" girl that I fell into a deep depression that seemed to last forever.  Honestly, what delivered me from that depression was the love and grace of my Savior Jesus Christ.  Without Him, I would probably be a mess today.

I also met people who identified as nonbinary and transgender, which helped me figure out who I am.  I'm agender, and my pronouns are they/them./their.

That's all for now.  Have a blessed day!

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