content/trigger warning: survivor's guilt, suicidal ideation/attempts, a long rant, transphobia, ableism, anti-LGBTQ bigotry, racism, mention of low self-esteem, mention of early intervention/ABA
I'm a queer, trans, neurodivergent person of color. Let that run past your account where you have four odds stacked against you, being marginalized for all these things.
I've struggled with depression and low self-esteem most of my life. I never felt like I was good enough because of my race, because of my neurodivergence, and because of me being queer and trans.
I've also battled with suicidal thoughts and even attempted it twice. I was just so overwhelmed with everything that I couldn't take it anymore.
Let's start with the race thing. When I was little, I wanted the White Barbie dolls instead of the Black ones. They just seemed prettier to me. Plus, I was jealous that White people had this long, beautiful straight hair, and here I was with this curly, nappy cotton-ball hair. So in middle school, I opted to get my hair pressed when I went to the hairdresser. Also, in middle school, I had trouble finding cosmetics that would compliment my brown complexion, Especially blushes. Most of them were either too light or didn't show up at all on my skin. The whole thing was just frustrating.
And about being Autistic and mentally ill, it's hard. There are so many people who don't understand me, or my neurology. When I was younger, I was subject to early intervention shortly after my Autism diagnosis, which involved the grueling applied behavioral analysis, aka ABA. All it really did for me was give me shitty PTSD, and it led me to believe that I had to be like everyone else to be considered worthy. So from at an early age, I tried to fit in with everyone else, but it just made me depressed in the end. My depression got so bad that I thought about suicide many times and attempted it twice, as I said earlier.
And being LGBTQ, yeah, that has its challenges too. I knew I was queer since I was 12 years old, but I didn't realize I was transgender until I got to my twenties. I felt a lot of shame for being queer and trans because other people thought that it was a sin, so I thought I was going to hell for liking other women and being trans. I spent years trying convince myself that I was a cis girl. I tried my best adapting to she/her pronouns, but it just didn't feel right. Plus, I thought about buying a Playgirl magazine to try and curb my desires for other women, and increase my desires for men, but what stopped me is the fact that I hate looking at naked men.
All these things led be to believe that the world wasn't made for me, and that I don't belong in this world. But that's not true - those are all lies that the devil tries to instill in us. I'm a Christian, and I believe that there are good spirits, and that there are evil spirits.
These days, I embrace who I am, by wearing Afrocentric styles such as locs. I am a proud queer and trans person - I go to LGBTQ events and socialize with LGBTQ people. And I'm involved in Autism activism - I'm the chapter leader of Autistic Self Advocacy Network's DC chapter.
I think we all should embrace our differences. They're what make us unique.
Thanks for reading. Bye!